What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
