Swine flu. Run for my life!
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
