im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
