At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
MIDGETS
????
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
