can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
