The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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