this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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