I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just invented taco cereal.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
