Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
