...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
