Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Everything about him screamed your future.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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