Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
