How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
