he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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