we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
