Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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