My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
