I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
