I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
