Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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