It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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