Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
