i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize