Old men and throwing up are my life now.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
