my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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