we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
