You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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