i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm really busy with my period
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