What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
