How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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