Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
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