Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
