Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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