Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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