Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I need moral support for this bender
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
