I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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