The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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