Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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