actually, I'm a sock model
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
