Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
