my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
