I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
