She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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