Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
