Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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