Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
