So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
