Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
