Old men and throwing up are my life now.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
