You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
