somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
