haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize