Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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