I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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