dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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