I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
