I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
