When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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