how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
