My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize